So it is very early in the morning now Thursday (March 25th 2021) and I have not been able to sleep tonight. Wednesday, yesterday for me now, started out great and ended horribly. I hardly even know what to say, I do not understand what happened and perhaps that is why I cannot sleep. Lets start at the beginning…

 

Feb 17th 2021

Brendan arrives on WildChild, he seems like a cool guy, very mellow. In the beginning I have problems with him. He keeps dominating me and takes control over my boat. Talking with him we eventually work it out. He does admit to me that he had “issues” with his mom and he does have trouble dealing with strong women. He says he is a very dominant alpha male and he tends to always find dominant alpha females in his life. He tells me he was speaking with his brother and they think it will be interesting to see how this “crewing” thing goes for Brendan with a Female Captain in charge, they both know it will be an issue for Brendan.

It takes me two days to figure out how to handle Brendan but eventually I am clear with him, I am the Captain, when I give an order you follow it… PERIOD… if you cannot handle that get out now. Brendan had been telling me he just wants to be a simple deck hand and doesn’t want to learn all this sailing stuff, I tell him that is not an option… you are here to be helpful to me… I decide what I need help with… not you…   if you do not like it.. leave.  He submits and says he will do better, no worries we will be okay he tells me.

He submits and gets thru Captain Lexi’s sailing school.

Everything seems to be going along fine.

The power struggle seems over.

 

March goes badly

If you have been following along you will understand how the month of March had gone very badly for me personally, having nothing to do with Brendan at all.

If you read the last Blog, released the day we went sailing back to Antigua, everything had been going great with Brendan and I. No issues at all.

There was the little problem with dropping the anchor in Barbuda two weeks ago (around March 8th) , where I asked of him more than he could handle (my bad) but we fixed it, we dealt with it and put it behind us. OR so I thought.

He does not bring it up again during the next two weeks we spend in Barbuda and I try to heal and reclaim my center, or whatever I can find of it.

So although most of the first two weeks of March were horrible for me personally, Brendan was wonderful to live with, easy to get along with, and very gentle and kind. He was supportive and kind to me. We had ZERO… NO.. emotional issues or problems what-so-ever for the month of March up to the incident yesterday. Just perfect mutual respect between us.

Things have been wonderful and seemed perfect to me.

 

Wednesday Morning

 

Yesterday morning we woke up at 7am to be ready to sail back to Antigua. The plan was loosely to be lifting the hook by around 8am, arrive in St. Johns harbour by early afternoon, relax for the rest of the day, go shopping Thursday (today) for stuff I need.

Brendan was already awake well before 7am and got out of bed before his alarm in a good mood enthusiastic for the days sail. I am usually awake by 5am everyday anyway so I was good to go too. I do a last minute weather forecast check and make a Captain’s last minute Go/ no-go decision, everything is perfect and I make the decision… yes we are going to do this now. Prepare to go sailing.

Brendan is very helpful and is doing great as helpful crew. I realize that his sailing education has been interrupted for the last 2 weeks by my personal struggle but I tell Brendan “no worries.. we will go slow… remember your training… and I will be gentle with you..”.

I am impressed with him, he does great. I get him to lift the anchor, with my supervision, because we have a trip line and anchor ball on it which is new for Brendan. Together on the bow we work well as a team and we safely get the anchor up and the line in. Everything seems fine.

Together we get WildChild out of the anchorage and go-to-wind to get the mainsail up. Brendan does the mast work and I do the cockpit work. Together, working well as a team, we do a wonderful job of getting the sails set and WildChild has a lovely sail in calm conditions to Antigua.

Life was perfect and the sail was going along just great.

About two hours into it Brendan begins to get sea sick. This happens to almost everyone and we had discussed the possibility before. He had the attitude of just vomit and get it over with. This is the best way to view it.

Just as he is vomiting over the starboard side we get a hit on the fishing rod.

That figures… mother is like this. I deal with the fish alone as my crew is still incapacitated. The super exciting news is that we catch another TUNA…  YAY…. Brendan does terrific and steps up as the head fish killer on board for me.

Brendan is up from the side rail just as I am bringing the fish into the boat.

I look to Brendan and softly ask him if he is okay..?

He tells me that yes he is fine. I ask him if he is okay to kill the fish for me…?  he says yes he’s fine. Brendan sticks a knife in the fishes brain while I am crying and apologizing to the fish. I am sure this blood bath will haunt my dreams tonight (it just did).

Twenty minutes later Brendan is praying overboard to Neptune again. Poor guy… I had concern for him and watched over him. I was left alone to do all the sailing stuff but as conditions were perfect it was all good. Eventually he starts to feel better and slowly I can get him to listen to my advice. I help him begin to recover and he starts to feel better once he reluctantly listens to me.

 

 

I have a lot of ocean experience with seasickness… I know what I am talking about.

Brendan is a good sport about the whole thing, he is thoughtful about his experience and seems reflective.

 

Wednesday Afternoon

I was not paying much attention to the time but we started coming into the St. John’s harbour around early afternoon, maybe around 1 or 2pm..?  I am not sure.

For the last two hours of the sail Brendan was feeling much better and I had him sitting on the Port side coaming and watching ahead for me for channel buoys. His tummy problems had passed and the weather was perfect.

As we approach the mouth of the channel we have to go close around behind a dredging barge working the entrance of the channel.

The energy between us was just fine, wonderful, good as always.

I get Brendan up on deck just as we come around this barge, seconds after this picture was taken. I have been training Brendan to know how to drop the mainsail. I ask him if he feels ready to do this? do you know what to do..?   I review the procedure with him verbally and he says he understands.

He makes one small mistake that I do not catch, the main halyard clutch was only halfway open, therefore not locked but not free flowing with the line. Brendan gets the main sail down, but says later it was really hard to pull down, as I am controlling the yacht in the narrow channel. Brendan is working great as crew. He is doing very well and is very helpful. He is following instructions with no issues. We are working great as a team.

The energy on the boat is great.

Everything is perfect and that was a great sail.

 

The Explosion

 

As WildChild is motoring towards the anchorage and about 10 minutes out I tell Brendan to go up and release the tertiary anchor restraining line off the anchor roll bar. Brendan goes up and removes it, no complaints all good.

 

Of course I am watching him carefully, I have explained this to him several times, showed him twice what to do, he has done it before, but I know he is a baby sailor, novice crew and he still needs careful supervision.

I can tell he is making a little mistake so I set the autopilot and go forward and help him. I show him again how to wrap the line around the bow pulpit and secure it with a clove hitch, a knot I have been teaching him for weeks now. He watches and listens.

Everything seems calm and fine, as far as I can tell.

I rush back to the helm to get control again and over-watch the yacht as it makes her approach to the anchor area. I need to analyze the details and make a plan to get us safely to anchor again.

Brendan comes back and sits on the port side coaming and is watching forward. I am developing my plan as we approach the anchorage and I can see the other vessels there and I need to find a spot we can take.

I am standing at the helm doing the calculations and Brendan is sitting right there, as in the picture, on the coaming.

Next we need a plan to drop the anchor.

I ask Brendan if he feels like he knows how to drop the anchor? is he ready to do it?  or should I help?

He starts with an explanation about how it was my fault last time we dropped the hook that he let the chain go.

I am puzzled… why is he talking about this. We already settled this… yes it was my fault… lesson learned… I apologized to him already weeks ago. This is why I am being gentle with him now.

I can tell though that he will not be able to do this. I tell him “okay… no worries…  how about I do it and you watch me go thru the procedure… watch and learn…”.

He will not stop defending himself about the last failure two weeks ago.

I tell him… “Brendan… let it go… it was a long time ago… its okay… focus on now please…”. I am completely calm but confused about what is happening with him.

He will not drop it… he keeps going on and on about it.

The boat is coming towards the outer buoys at edge of the anchorage. We do not have time for this. We need to get ready to drop the anchor.

I tell him again… Brendan drop it…!

He keeps talking right over me.

This where everything goes sideways… there is some weird energy in Brendan… he is perseverating and focused on his feelings all of a sudden.

I am getting frustrated with him… we need to focus on the boat right now. We can focus on your feelings later. I ask Brendan  “so what do you want..?”

He starts attacking me and telling me that if he was given proper instructions he would not have made that mistake last time, he is going on about how when we drop the anchor in the dinghy drop it means drop the whole thing overboard. He is complaining that there seems to be two different ways to drop anchor between the two boats… it is too confusing… and it is my fault they are not the same procedures.

I ask him again as I am now steering the yacht into the anchorage… ” so what do you want…?  do you want to just watch me do it this time, I will explain it to you as I do it…?”

He scoffs and starts going on about how he learns nothing by watching me do it or talk about it… he is going on again about how he learns by doing it…

so I say okay then do you want to do it while I guide you…

He refuses this too… he is starting to talk faster and louder… he is beginning talk over me without listening…  He starts going on about if I could just answer his questions and do a better job of explaining things to him…

okay then please ask your question…

he starts asking a question… but he will not stop talking to let me answer… he is accusing me of not answering his question but he will not let me speak. He begins dominating me with words again. He is talking loud and clear and nonstop. He will not listen, he will not stop perseverating on his feelings about anchoring. He will not stop defending his mistake last time. He seems stuck in some kind of loop.

He says random things that make no sense to me at the time…

“…I am not here to be a student… I am not here to learn new things…”

“… I will not be doing the anchor work from now on… you will be doing it all…” he commands me.

“… look at you… you are being emotional.. there is no need to be emotional…   I am not emotional I am completely calm…”    he is yelling at me in an emotionally very tense tone.

It is true…. he is being frustrating… I am feeling frustrated by his sudden behavior… he is being the impossibility of reason… he has gone off the deep end… he is behaving unconscious and having some type of mommy issue break down that I cannot deal with right now….  I am starting to boil now…  I do not have time for this now… the yacht is now in the small anchorage…  I need to focus on the safety of the boat…  Brendan needs to stop this…

I command Brendan…  “Brendan STOP… just STOP talking and listen..! ”

Brendan is off the rails now… he talks louder and right over me… he refuses to even listen… he is dominating me again and will not submit.. will not back down…  We are engaged in some weird power struggle that I do not have time for right now. He is endangering the safety of the boat and all of us.

Brendan begins going into personal attacks now

”  you are a terrible Captain… you should never be a Captain… you are unfit to be a Captain…  you are no good… look at how emotional you are being ” his personal attacks are escalating and vicious. He is talking with animation and keeps reacting more and more to my rising emotional display of frustration… he cannot hear any of my words anymore… he can only react to my emotions…

I command him in a loud yelling clear voice that brooks no doubts:

“BRENDAN STOP RIGHT NOW… DROP IT… SWALLOW IT…  NOW..!“

Its weird and I do not understand the ambush… he has caught me off guard…  he provokes frustration in me… then accuses me of being frustrated…  but keeps escalating his frustrating attacks. He keeps poking me then accusing me of having feelings… accusing me of being emotional like it is a crime.

Brendan will not stop talking and will not submit… will not listen… will not help… he is stuck in his emotional loop. He keeps going on and on

WildChild is now in the anchorage and I HAVE TO focus on the safety of the yacht right now… I do not have time for this right now…

Brendan keeps going on and on… he is angry now and in full attack mode… he is dominating me with his words and will not give up the power and control of the moment.

That’s it… I lose my shit…   I start hammering the steering wheel with my left hand and I begin screaming at him…

BRENDAN FUCKING STOP RIGHT NOW

  SWALLOW IT

  DROP IT

  STOP RIGHT NOW

Brendan finally stops talking for a few seconds and is watching my display of anger in a bit of shock. He got what he wanted / needed out of me.

We are 100 feet away from needing to drop the anchor and Brendan is sitting in my way… it is clear he will not help… he has lost control… he is endangering the safety of the boat…  I need to drown him out and focus on what the yacht needs right now… I am trying to look past him to see the waters ahead.

Brendan starts attacking me personally again… he is livid… and completely focused on my feelings of frustration with him…   he is physically in my way and he will not stop his verbal attacks. I begin lining the yacht up into the wind. I do not have time for this right now… the safety of the yacht comes first…

I command Brendan in a deliberately controlled and even but tense tone:

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF MY WAY

I WILL ANCHOR THE BOAT ALONE

GET OUT OF THE WAY

GO DOWN BELOW NOW

Brendan explodes with weird stuff… he is having some childhood trauma melt down now

” I am not a child… I will not be treated like a child and be told to go to my room…  you are not my mother…  I will not be spoken to this way…   nobody gets to treat me this way…  I am not in the way… I will not go down below” Brendan is going on and on nonstop talking without listening to anything.

This is fucking serious and dangerous right now… I am lining the yacht up into the wind beside a 50 foot sailboat and I am on the edge of shallow mud flats. I MUST be dropping the anchor in 60 seconds no matter what and Brendan is sitting in my way, physically blocking me from doing what needs to be done. Brendan will not let the weird power struggle go… he will not stop focusing all attention on him and his feelings and now is not the time…

I scream at him again… my command loud clear and concise…

BRENDAN GO DOWN BELOW RIGHT NOW…!

Then I completely tune him out… I am singularly focused on the immediate task on hand…

I do not know what he said next… I had him tuned out… he did go down below with some vague threats I do not remember.

I anchor the boat alone. I do not do a great job, do not hit the exact spot I wanted , but I do get the anchor down and secure the boat.

I sit alone in the cockpit for ten minutes to process what the hell just happened…?

I leave Brendan alone down below to cool down.

 

Conclusion

 

If you have read the book Sailing Crazy Winds you will know that my tolerance for evil monkeys on my boat is absolutely ZERO. I have learned this lesson before, this is familiar ground. I seem to attract men with issues about dominant mothers.

There is no power struggle with the Captain of a ship… the Captain is in charge… period… even if the Captain is a woman!

Brendan crossed the line… he went way too far… when I ordered him to drop it… not dropping it was not one of the options. Endangering the boat is never okay.

It does not matter… or should not matter… the genders involved.  It should not matter if the Captain is a woman giving a command to a man. Brendan clearly has issues with women, we have spoken about it before. Brendan cannot handle submitting to a strong woman. He has some childhood issues to work thru and he will not be doing that on my boat ever again.

Brendan is not the first man or only man to have issues submitting to a woman. I have no tolerance for this stupid shit. Women never get into this kind of power struggles with me, women can work cooperatively and peacefully. I think no more male crew… I can’t deal with this stupidity anymore.

I went down below to talk calmly to Brendan. I did not allow any discussion of what happened and he was calm now and actually listening. I told him clearly…

“Brendan… you are being kicked off the boat..!”

“Your conduct was way too far…”   

“you crossed too many lines…”

“you endangered the safety of the vessel…”

“it is unsafe for me to have you onboard…”

“I will give you time to make arrangements but I want you out as soon as possible” 

 

He suggested that we should just give things time to cool down then maybe I will change my mind. He thinks my logic is impaired by my emotions. He suggests that we get on well as roommates how about he just stays here for another month as a roommate and not do any of the crew stuff, just leave all the sailing stuff to me. He seems to want a free ride as a passenger…

NOPE… not gonna happen… get out..!

 

Sigh…  this is extremely depressing… Brendan and I had a really good thing going… it is terrible that he ruined it. This leaves me in a bad position again. I find myself suddenly alone again. Better alone than unsafe with a dangerous man onboard though.

I hate this and I do not agree for any of that to happen… but I know better… the universe does not care about my consent. Sometimes other people bring their crap to me, bring their crap onboard, and there is little I can do about it. Maybe I should have removed him right at the beginning. I was always clear with him, I am a very soft sensitive and emotional girl. He hid from me his issues with strong women until after he was onboard. Had I known I would never have let him come aboard, but people hide their inner darkness don’t they.

What can you do…?

 

Cheers sailors… keep the evil monkeys off your boat

 

Captain Lexi

 

…. the alone again  ….