Well I am thinking that I will be alone soon… and very isolated with nobody to talk to… maybe I will start blogging more… after all I am a writer and writing comes naturally to me…
Today I am going to face my fears… I am going to take WildChild out sailing alone. I am going to do everything alone… I will lift the anchor alone… motor out alone… raise the sails alone… drop the sails alone… drop the anchor alone. Well I have to add …. ish….
Michel is still here on the boat. He does not leave until Wednesday (Today is Monday). So Michel will be on the boat but I will ask him to stay below and not interfere or help unless I ask for it. So I will make a practice run at being alone, but have a safety net. In 2 days my safety net leaves and I am truly alone.
I joke around all the time about being a chicken. People that know me always dispute that… the reality is that I am an amazingly brave girl… because I still go into the world and conquer things despite feeling fear. I know how to be afraid. I know how to face fear. I do not have an absence of fear. In fact I am a very emotionally sensitive girl… I feel my emotions very strongly.
Like a child feels pain more intensely than an old man. Cut a child and they feel it with raw fresh baby nerves that relay the signal strongly into the sensitive brain and they hurt. Cut the arm of an old man and his old neurons are slow to send the signal up and only have half the pain signals arrive in his brain. With blood dripping down his arm the old man barely notices the 4 inch cut. We all experience emotions similarly with different intensity. I am just emotionally sensitive.. I feel my fear intensely… I taste it in my mouth.. I feel it in my stomach.
I have been crippled with fear lately. I do not agree to be alone on this big girl… it IS going to happen in 2 days… I have to face it. So today I am thinking that if I leave here and take the big race boat out for a little 5 mile sail to a different anchorage and I do everything myself, alone, then it will either build my confidence (if it goes well) or feed my fear if I can’t handle her alone.
It sounds like a good plan…. in theory. What I am still wavering on (and about to leave maybe in an hour) is weather I really want to do this. I have to get out of harbor to dump my waste tank. I want to get out of harbor to clean water to run the water maker. I can go scuba diving off the amazing foul cay reefs nearby while I still have someone to scuba dive with…
… but right now I have a great spot in the harbor… and my anchors are set great. I am safe and comfortable right here where I am. I have a spot that is a short dinghy ride to shore where there are other people and stores. I have great cell connection and therefore internet access…. if I move out today.. I will lose my spot. WildChild is so deep with her 8 foot keel there are not many places with enough depth for her, I am not free to anchor anywhere in here. Right now I am in as close as I can be and have 2 inches under the keel at low tide twice a day. If I come back tomorrow and I have to anchor 200 meters elsewhere I may find myself on bottom at low tide…. Eeek.
So should I go today… now..? and face my fear and build my confidence and subside my fear…?
OR… should I just stay comfortable and safe where I am… and face one thing at a time…?
Hmmm…. I don’t know..
I will let you know Wednesday if I jumped or not.
Cheers
Lexi