Ok I admit to a long delay between this blog and the last one, I usually write about once a week or so, it has been almost two weeks now. Forgive me and please understand I have been very busy everyday moving ever northward, see the videos released about the sailing. Also the strife and disharmony inside the boat has occupied a lot of my attention too.

 

 

St. Pierre Martinique

So I think in the last blog I was still in Martinique and was just about to leave to begin heading north again, it feels so long ago. My intention was to day sail all of the way up to the north end and Check out in St. Pierre but intentions seldom mean much out here. As we had a delightful downwind sail out of La Marin my crew and I played a game of chess while flying wing on wing. It was a delightful moment and the tensions of our time there had been settled away.

As we were coming out around the huge bay to Fort-du-France my crew asked me if we could stop in there so he could have the opportunity to visit the city. At first I was unsure, the boat has a mission to go north, but I did a bunch of calculating and concluded that in the dying winds, we might not make it to St. Pierre before dark anyway.

I dropped my crew off onshore both that evening and the next morning. I thought he wanted to explore the culture of the city and the history and the get to know the people…  so much rich cultural life all around him. NOPE…. he only wanted to buy more cheap food and clothes. He never takes any interest in culture or history, I should have known better.

We made our way north the next day and stopped for a day in St. Pierre. I feel like if I do not praise the french every blog for how wonderful and easy their customs and immigration process is I would be doing the world a dis-service. Viva La France and god bless them for using common sense and reason with this government process. Please give lessons to the english on how to make their stupid convoluted expensive processes better.

 

 

You can      CLICK HERE     to watch the video about my time exploring the history and culture of that wonderful city alone.  I spent 5 minutes getting our paperwork in order and clearing out of the country and then I went exploring the city. It was a lovely day.

 

Dominica

Next we sailed off to the north in good sailing conditions and made our way to Qflag off the coast of Dominica. I like that island and wish it was more open to tourism and that I had more time to visit it again. I have been there before and enjoyed it.

 

 

Mostly I was excited to see my friend Marcus again. He left a big impression on me 2 years ago and it seems I also made quite an impression on him. He is a cool guy, I like him.

You can    CLICK HERE   to see the video I made about him and meet him a little bit for yourself. Cool guy, and they come from a very different culture than yours. I am fascinated by how other people live and their identities are molded by their environments. What if you lived there with them, thru these events, how would that change you.

The empath forever curious.

We sailed north to Portsmouth the next day.

 

 

 

iles-du-Saintes

We did not even launch the dinghy while in Portsmouth Dominica. We ate and rested and watched TV, my crew of course was non-stop obsessed with his phone. Early the next morning we lifted the anchor and headed north again. The sail was mostly uneventful and we sailed in good conditions. The only pain in the ass was posting my crew up on deck to watch for the fishing buoys. The french allow fish traps in shallow waters 200 feet or less and the ropes could get tangled on your yacht if you hit them. Often the floats are only clear plastic bottles or other such things. They can be very hard to spot in a wavy ocean.

You can     CLICK HERE    to view the video of that sail. Fun easy happy sailing.

I ended up spending an extra day in iles-du-Saintes because I had American sailor friends, that I just adore, who said they were sailing south to me the next day from Guadeloupe. I just love these people and will keep them anonymous but I was so excited to get the opportunity to visit with them again.

 

 

The interesting story that I want to share with you…   As I was onboard my friends boat we noticed the police boat go up to this big blue CAT in front of them and talk to the sailors.

My boat friends know this guy, are friends with him actually, and told me the story I will now share with you.

It seems…. that the night before… as they were right there on that mooring ball…. some thieves boarded their boat while they were asleep below. The intruders quietly crept into the cockpit area to prowl around and removed two expensive fishing rods that were secured in the ceiling above. Their yacht was boarded and robbed while they slept peacefully below unaware.

This stuff really does happen out here, bad people do board nice yachts and rob us. What struck me about this story, aside from the fact that my own yacht is anchored nearby and my own fishing rod was sitting overnight in the rod holder, is that this place is wealthy. This area is first world European touristy area where the locals have nice incomes and live in nice houses and live comfortable first world lives.

This sort of turned my ideas upside down. I always lock up my dinghy engine and stow my fishing rod when we are anchored outside of poor places. In Dominica and St. Lucia we buttoned up tight. I had relaxed my guard in the wealthy islands of the Saints feeling more safe. I actually hear that St. Martin, where I am sailing to now, is the worst for yacht crime and it is basically wealthy europe.

My assumptions collide with reality

 

Guadeloupe

After iles-du-Saintes we had a good sail up to the middle western side of Guadeloupe where we stopped in the Jacques Cousteau marine dive park. We had a lovely time snorkeling the crystal clear waters and I was able to run the water maker again. You can see it in the video linked above where I combined a few days together.

From there we sailed north again to Deshaies where I ran into my boat parents again. The cruising life is full of surprises. I always think the last goodbye was the final goodbye, and sometimes by random chaos and coincidence, it is not. We did not stay long though, after hugs we left the next day for the long hard jump in sporty conditions up to Antigua a few days ago (Tuesday Feb 8th 2022).

Video should be released by now.

 

Antigua

The sail up to Antigua was the sportiest my crew has ever experienced. He handled himself well and does not seem to get sea sick. I vomited twice, not from sea sickness, but as a side effect of my heart condition. Long and old story, but we were sailing along happily in 2-3 meter waves most of the day and winds 20-32 knots strong. It does not bother me but the waves were close together and smashy. So the up and down G-forces being exerted in our bodies can get intense, we get slammed around in the big waves.

 

 

What happens with my heart condition, is that when I get bored and comfortable and sleepy my heart rate begins to go down. My blood pressure drops and suddenly I vomit. I have been out here for years and have dealt with this many times. Then I get up and move around and get my heart rate back up and I am fine again. So it is not seasickness. My heart condition makes my life extra difficult in many ways.

We pulled into Jolly Harbour Antigua after a rough 8 hour sail where I am proud to say we caught up to, and overtook the other sailboat making the same passage at the same time, they started 4 miles ahead of us. Tuesday late afternoon we dropped the hook in a peaceful bay and made food and relaxed and went to bed early. Sailing does make you tired even though it just looks like you are only sitting there all day, it still drains you.

 

 

Yesterday we went to shore to provision, refill our propane tank for cooking gas and visit friends.

Yesterday…. my crew exploded on me… and things went sour fast.

***

 

ForeWarning

For my regular 100 followers, who have been following along for months or years now, and have developed a sense of who I am, see me in context, you know that for me, writing is emotional therapy. I feel better when I vent things from my soul into my diary. It helps me to release them and let them go. Also I am very lonely and have nobody to talk to, except my diary (these blogs).

I really need to release stuff today, but the catch is, thousands of Croatians who will also read this blog, out of context, obsessed only with my crew, and with no interest or understanding of me, creates a bad pressure for me to deal with. I am unsure how to handle this unintended audience. This blog is not actually intended for Croatia or my crews fan club, this is not for his friends or family to read, but I cannot stop them.

My crew, who talks constantly about seeking the “truth” and not painting the world with rose coloured glasses, red pill good blue pill bad, wants me to paint him in a good light and make him look good. He wants me to hide the truth and reality of life together inside the boat and make him look good for his country. He wants me to help manage his public relations and paint him in a good light. He assures me, to do otherwise is unthinkably rude in his culture, I would be a bad person if I speak openly about him. Truth must be positive and best possible light of him, there is no other way he assures me.

 

BUT…. this kind of diplomatic political correctness

is NOT LEXI..!

 

Lexi is a rather unfiltered writer, my writings pure raw open honest and guttural. I did not agree to be my crews PR agent. I love writing the personal narrative of my reality, giving life to it in my writings, for who are we other than our personal stories? I write about my story here, that is affected greatly by my crew.

My crew is completely welcome to his own personal narrative and illusion of reality that he is welcome to express on his own platforms. I understand and respect he will see the same events differently than I do, and that’s okay. He has hundreds of thousands of followers and is welcome to write anything he wants on his own accounts. His voice is much louder than mine, but he does not get to dominate my voice on my website.

My crew came to me the other day and offered to write about his experience crewing on board WildChild. I said sure, but the condition is… be open and honest and no bullshit, don’t sweet talk the reality but speak openly and honestly.

What has it been like for IVAN to crew for Wild Captain Lexi?

If you are curious…  CLICK HERE   to  read what he wrote.

link fixed… sorry about that

***

 

This blog is about Lexi, Teddy Bear, and WildChild.

So today… I will toss the grenade of truth and honesty and let the explosion happen. The explosion will come from you the reader… not me the writer… so the responsibility will lay with you. Your reactions are your responsibility.

***

I will begin by asking you to go back into my blog archives and    CLICK HERE   to go down to the Dec 19th 2021 blog entitled Multiple Perspectives and read the bottom section of this blog for some vague sense of context. The entire blog is rather enlightening but in particular the bottom section entitled   Multiple Perspectives   will be useful pre-reading to be able to follow today’s blog.

For the dim witted among you….  there can exist multiple versions of the same reality, all equally valid, and not in competition. My crew is welcome to see the same events differently than I do. You are welcome to see the world from your own eyes too. So too am I permitted to view my world thru my own eyes, even if you see things differently.

So stay calm

 

Open Secrets

Many people from Croatia try to contact me about my crew and one of them once called my crew a manchild, I think they were not incorrect using that term. The thing about him, is that he is very cute,  and very charismatic and can be charming. He is very sweet like a child who really just does not know any better. He is a Christian with good intentions, a nice guy, he just has a messy head. His intentions are good, his ideas are bad.

I think Croatia already knows all this stuff, and I am slow to figure it all out. My own western culture paralysed me with uncertainty about how to react to my charming extremist crew from the beginning. To the Croatians, I get it now. My crew also knows this stuff to be true, he just wants to stay in the shadows, but he knew before he came, my life is open and published, he agreed to my right to publish as a precondition to joining the boat.

BUT… I will still keep 90% of him private and not share publicly. I am not saying far more than I am actually sharing publicly, I am not completely without discretion.

The stuff I was being delicate about for the last 7 weeks, I was tap dancing around and trying not to say, is actually not a well guarded secret, and not my responsibility to keep hidden any longer. I need to lay these things on the table to give context to what has been happening onboard WildChild for the last 7 weeks.

My crew is wildly RACIST…!   Super anti black and anti-Jew and pro white power.

He starts so many sentences with things like

“… the blacks…”

” … around black you can never relax …” he says this all the time

“…. the Jews are to blame … “

“… Hitler said… ” he loves to quote hitler often

” …. Hitler should have finished the final solution …”

“… the holocaust is just jewish propaganda ….”

“… slavery was just black propaganda …”

” … people are just useful tools…. “

If you were wondering why I said before I clamp a hand over his mouth in public sometimes. Or wondering what I meant when I said he says the most shocking things.

YEP…!   it’s true…

my crew is a wildly racist Nazi loving Sociopath. 

 

Whenever he is laughing at something on his phone or computer, I have learned not to ask what is so funny…. because it will be the most offensive racist things you could imagine.

I think Croatia already knew this.

So aside from lying to me about his extreme dietary needs, he hid his insane ideas and beliefs and the fact that he is a Narcissist.

You know… when interviewing potential crew… 

I never seem to ask the right questions do I..?

🙁

Now this has put me into a very difficult position philosophically for the last 7 weeks.   I am all about love kindness forgiveness tolerance and acceptance. I generally do not care what anyone believes. But if I show love and tolerance to a man with evil hateful ideas on my boat… am I a bad person for letting him stay onboard? Am I empowering evil?

 

All that it takes for evil to triumph

is for good men to do nothing… right?

 

I do not try to fix him or change him. I have made clear boundaries with him and I am very strict with him, on my boat… and around me…  I do not want to hear any of that stupid shit you believe in. This boat is about love kindness and tolerance. A few times he went off saying hateful nasty things about “the gays“, and he knows I am bisexual, I was clear with him… shut the fuck up or leave. I am very strict with my racist crew.

Believe whatever you want, but Keep the hate to yourself.

See…. I don’t actually care what people think or believe. I am all about freedom of thought and ideas. The problem is he keeps forcing his words and ideas onto me trying to force me to agree with him. He talks at people not to them and he is highly intolerant of listening to anyone with any other opinions. His clay is hard and not listening so there is no point talking to him.

Everywhere he goes he tries to find like minded racists and convert everyone to think like him, accept his truths, always seeking external validation. He jams his ideas down other peoples throats. 

The video of us in the marine dive park, and my crew swims straight for the captive audience on the beach, he was spouting off his racism there and told me later he found a racist doctor that agreed with him. It’s true, he tells me, no white person should ever date a black person. He found his validation.

I just do not want to be associated with him. It is why and how he has offended all my friends he meets. I am unsure what to do about it.

We are exactly opposite people

I dislike Narcissists and would choose to never be near them and never live with them. But he hid that fact didn’t he. Few narcissists know they are narcissists and none ever admit it, ask Trump. The choice was taken away from me thru his deceitfulness. The narcissist manipulated his way into my life.

I am Canadian, we are super polite and very tolerant and not racist at all. I don’t even notice skin colour most of the time. I would choose to never be near a racist and never be friends with one. But again my crew hid this from me didn’t he. He took the choice away from me. The racist manipulated his way onto my boat.

I find myself living with a crew 24/7 that I would not want to associate with even for 2 minutes if I had a choice. It was incremental. Slowly the more I invested in training him to be crew, the more I committed to keeping him, the more he relaxed his cover and revealed his darkness.

I quickly found myself in an undesirable vulnerable position. I still needed help to go home. He was still willing to help. He is a nice guy with bad ideas.

 

Hard Decisions

Now I have been positive and optimistic and kept the peace with my racist sociopathic crew for weeks now, even bit my tongue and kept his darkness secret for weeks. I have made the best of the situation. We do not ever have conversations, we are not friends, we do not keep each other company. I am still very much alone. I am the Captain, he is the crew. He is here to be helpful. I feel no compunction to fix him, just train him to be crew.

 

 

As my crew would say…   I just need him to be a useful tool.

As the teacher I have been working very hard to train my crew to be useful.

I want him to do well and succeed because then he is more helpful to me. This is supposed to be a mutually beneficial working relationship, not a personal one.

He is failing….  constantly. He is not very useful. More burden than helpful, more cost than benefit. I still have to do 95% of all the sailing work myself. He is not engaged in the sailing, not paying attention, not proactive, and not present in the moment, always on his phone or lost in his own mind, very self absorbed. He hardly ever notices my existence or the boat.

 

 

I have been trying hard to teach him for weeks now, almost months now. He just is not getting it. It is not natural for him. He did not play with legos as a child, visual spatial conception is not his strong suit, he has zero mechanical aptitude.

He has finally stepped up to minimally useful to me. But there is no way I could ever trust him to take the helm. His brain does not process information correctly, I cannot trust him. In a stressful situation his brain shuts down, he will be a liability when the shit hits the fan. Every time we have an adrenaline situation onboard he freezes up and focuses on the wrong things.

He needs sailing to be a black and white list of instructions.

Crew…  every time we are going to go sailing… we need to do

A  then B then C then D… and always in that order. Even still he cannot get the simple things right consistently. I still have to hold his hand every time, he still fucks up simple things everyday.  The only thing he seems to be doing consistently well at is anchoring. It took him 5 weeks to learn to lift and lower the anchor properly.

 

 

So a week ago I had to make a very difficult decision.  Despite all the effort I have invested into training him, despite the delicate peace we have onboard living together, he must go.  He is not a good sailor. He is terrible at it actually.

I do not begrudge him for trying something new. I can respect a person who tries something new, this is very hard. It is clear now though, he has no sailor blood in him, it just is not his thing. He is a dirt dweller and should go back to land, plug back into the matrix where he belongs. Croatia can have him back.

Soon I will be in St. Martin. If I keep my European crew we must sail straight from St. Martin to the Dominican Republic non-stop. This would take 3-5 days straight. I cannot trust him to be alone on the helm at night. A no bullshit assessment…  he cannot do it. He will fuck it up, and it could be disastrous.

Logically…  I MUST CHANGE MY CREW

Ivan has gotta go

 

Poison onboard

I realize this is a quagmire of complexity and easy to argue with… but….   I do not allow commenting on my work… because I do not want the hateful poison in so many of the stupid humans out there to invade my boat or life. I don’t mind that stupid people say and think stupid things, I just don’t want it around me.

My crew however, being a narcissist, thrives on social media attention. He lives for every comment on everything he does online. He loves the spotlight and loves the attention. The flood of poison and the words of stupid people fills his soul daily. He is on his phone 18 hours a day drinking in all the worst the internet has to offer.

Which means… the bad people are reaching into my world thru my crew. They infect him and he brings it into the boat.

Yesterday it exploded.

 

 

I will try to shorten the long story but keep the salient points.

I am very very sensitive about my age. I lie about it, I am not actually 29 years old. I tell people that I am very sensitive about my age and do not ask about it, do not pry into it, please respect me and just leave that alone. Please allow me this one piece of privacy. I do not want to know my own real age. I am very emotionally sensitive about it. Try to respect this.

My crew of course, has zero respect for other people, and has been poking at my soft spot relentlessly. He feels like he has the right to know and I have no right to privacy. He keeps asking people to find out my age thru other means.

Well…. some Slovenian girl I met a few years ago…  who met me at a very low point in my life, and was kind to me, and acted like my friend, recently began texting with my crew.

She began gossiping about me and telling my crew nasty hateful things about me, which poisoned him. She has him convinced that because I lie about my age I am therefore an untrustworthy liar and horrible person. She deliberately poisoned the delicate balance I have been maintaining with my crew. My crew is a black or white thinker, all or nothing extremist.

Mihela… this is a really low thing to do… very hurtful and viscous. You are a terrible person for deliberately sabotaging my boat. You caused a lot of harm to me, I am not sure what I ever did to you to make you want to hurt me so much. You are banned from my content forever. Go away please, you are a bad person.

After absorbing her hateful gossip for the last few days my crew popped yesterday.

Understand this blog had a delayed release for 2 days after the time of its writing

Yesterday we were onshore in Antigua and visiting some of my friends. My crew admitted to me yesterday that he was gossiping about me to my friend behind my back trying to get him to say bad things about me (to verify his new distorted idea of me).   When we got home to the boat after what I thought was a delightful and productive day, my crew went off on me.

He was twisted up and began trying to dominate me with his words and would not back down. He began talking at me relentlessly and would not stop. He needed to point his finger at me and tell me how I am a terrible human being he cannot trust anymore and he is in fear for his safety around me…? (I thought that was odd and out of the blue).

He has this way about him, a common tactic of narcissist used to dominate other people, they refuse to listen and refuse to stop talking right over other people. They get in your face and just talk and talk and do not stop talking. Even when you beg them to stop. I asked him politely to stop 4 times before I yelled at him to shut up, and he still would not stop. He just had to tell me how terrible a person I am.

None of what he said was helpful productive or intelligent. Thanks Mihela for causing that.

He blew up and went off and shattered the delicate peace we had maintained for weeks now. I had been working so hard for so long to make him feel safe and welcome in my home. In one fell swoop Mihela destroyed it. What a bitch.

Mind you, I had gently told my crew 5 days ago that when we get to St. Martin he would be leaving the yacht and a new American crew would be replacing him. I was gentle in explaining why and he already knew he was failing so it was no surprise to him.

So with the poison in his soul from that hateful girl yesterday, and knowing his time was about to end onboard, my crew went off, exploded with his intolerance and hate.

Goodness is it ever tense on the boat now.

I offered to drop him off onshore at that moment in Antigua.

He did not want that.

I asked him if he could keep the peace fore 4 more days and just disembark in St. Martin as planned. He still yelled at me on and off for most of last night, but eventually calmed down.

I warned him, stop trying to dominate me…

I promise it will not end well for you.

So many people eventually try to dominate me that I have seen almost every tactic imaginable. I am pretty much immune to it, I am very hard to dominate.

By the time this blog releases we are already sailing to St. Martin.

Fingers crossed he stays calm.

No big surprise this is ending badly huh…?

 

 

As this releases we are currently starting our 80 mile downwind trip from Barbuda to St. Martin. Fingers crossed it goes well. You can see the winds tomorrow will be nasty strong and there is a big swell out there. What I am facing as you read this is dangerous enough, without my crew making things worse. Let’s hope my crew can stay calm and behave until I can get rid of him as quickly as possible.

 

cheers sailors and sailing fans…

I hope your life is less stressful than mine.

 

Wild Captain Lexi

 

hugs love and kindness