I do so hope you can forgive me for the rather long delay releasing this very last blog post, but… if you have been following along with the videos, my life has suddenly gotten rather complicated. I think it will be helpful to readers, that if you have not already seen the final video, maybe you should CLICK HERE to go see it before you continue reading please. I will try not to overlap this blog too much, but some degree of overlap of course will be necessary.
Engine Work
I am an amazing human being, and I can fix almost anything on my boat, except… that main engine is so scary for me. I had been having problems with the main engine ever since I changed the timing belt in Florida. I had managed to get WildChild safely anchored into the Ashley river in Charleston, had flown in new crew for the next leg of the adventure, but before I could leave, I HAD TO FIX that fucking engine..!
That’s the thing about being the Captain, everything always rests on your shoulders, constantly. If I had wealth and money like an old Boomer I could have paid someone else to fix it for me, and I really wanted to, but it simply was not an option for me, I have no money. This scary difficult thing NEEDED to be done, and like it or not, I was about to become an engine mechanic.
I had managed, with help, to procure several spare timing belts for my engine, I had recently educated myself on how all that stuff worked, but it still intimidated the heck out of me. Fear is not something I generally allow to stop me. Courage is going forward despite the fear, being brave enough to do what you have to do.
The morning I wanted to leave, I scheduled myself 3 hours to conquer this scary 1 hour job. Summon your courage, face the anxiety, and just jump, this is what sets real sailors apart from the dirt dwellers and dreamers, we are the ones who can actually take calculated risks.
I was so very nervous, so very cautious, in theory the job is not difficult once you know what you are doing, which I kinda did, it is just so delicate, if one toothed gear moves 1mm out of place between belts, you fuck up the engine timing. It is a rather much more complicated and involved process to rip the engine apart to re-time it if you mess up the timing. Super bad shit, a mistake I had to be very careful not to make.
Sweating in the intense heat I strip down to dirty working underwear, and begin facing my fears again. Slowly I summon my courage, take one step at a time, and proceed with the utmost caution. I was doing very well there for a while, brilliantly rebuilt the broken pulley edge with 2 part JB weld epoxy stuff (see image above right side). Removed everything else I needed to, ever so carefully, removed the old belt, got a new belt on and reassembled everything. There was one tiny moment when I thought oh shit, did something move? I shrugged it off, the other gears were still aligned with the marks I had made, everything seemed ok.
I put everything back together with such a nervous state of apprehension filling my soul, and slowly, by hand using a socket wrench, rotated the engine to make sure no pistons hit any valves. It seemed ok. Went to the engine controls and tried to start her… she wouldn’t start..! oh-shit… suddenly total panic fills me… such a sinking feeling…. what is happening..?
It would turn over… then kind catch for a second.. then sputter out, over and over. Like almost there but something is suddenly not right. I go thru a total panic melt down. My crew lady Valerie kinda watches me with surprise as I am gripped with terror. I am pacing back and forth trying to remember to breathe, as I realize, I fucked it up, I misaligned the timing somewhere…! I’m fucked… engine no worky, need professional mechanic to come aboard to help, have no money.
Slowly I struggle to calm down my feminine emotional brain and try to allow my logical engineer brain to think. Work the problem Lexi… think… work the problem… it is just a system, all systems follow rules… you are not an engine mechanic, but you are a very smart girl… you can figure this out. Valerie helping to talk me down off the ledge of panic, emotionally supporting me, lovely lady.
I begin thinking thru the problem. The engine is acting like the injector pump is not firing at the exact correct time, like a microsecond too soon or late. The camshaft gear is still aligned with my marks, the injector pump is still aligned with its marks I made. The other non-toothed pulleys cannot be part of the timing system, coolant pump not caring about rotation timing, guide pulleys not connected to anything.
Think Lexi Think… I keep working the problem in my cortisol filled brain. Build it in your mind, see it in your head, and play with the variables, which variable is out of alignment? Eventually it dawns upon me, the only geared pulley I could not make an alignment mark on was the crankshaft. It must have moved a very tiny amount one way or the other. So although my engine is now misaligned, it cannot be by very much, a single tooth.
Okay Lexi… keep breathing… keep thinking… I need to make a bunch of calculations and probability guestimations in my mind. I develop a plan. Hold the belt still on everything else, but rotate the crankshaft a single tooth, and pick a direction 50/50 probability here. Try to do better than this, think it thru… which way did it probably turn while you were changing the belt?
Hmmm…. I am so nervous about this, if I get this wrong I will be fucking it up more, if I lose track of 1mm of movement, I will make it worse and could damage the valves. I have to defeat this difficult problem, the pressure on me is enormous, and I just take a deep breath… and gamble. I rotate the crankshaft 1 tooth clockwise. Reassemble everything, hold my sides and cry under the stress, go to the control panel and just try again.
The engine starts…!!!!! immediately… running better than ever…. purring like a kitten..! It takes me a little while long to fine tune other things to stop the shredding but I figure that out too. The last mechanic had the belt too tight. Eventually I have the engine working perfectly, no timing belt shredding at all anymore, perfect new belt, no air getting into the fuel lines anymore.
The engine is now working perfectly… this is so amazing. The flood of relief that washes over me breaks me down into a puddle of tears… OMG… I did it..! I can’t believe I did it….! I fixed it better than the professional mechanic did…!
Valerie is so amazed by me, she is so proud of me, she cannot stop expressing her awe and wonder at how powerful I am. She watched the entire 5 hour battle from the sidelines, she saw every step of the struggle. We were both amazed by me, sometimes I impress myself.
This is the difference between talkers and do’ers
The courage to jump
The courage to gamble
The courage to try
The courage to risk failure
The courage to fail
The strength to get back up again
Anchor Problems
This mountain of complexity I had just scaled with bravery did delay our departure that day. The tidal currents in there get rather strong at peak. I remember 3 years ago trying to get into here against the peak current, it took 6 hours to move 4 miles against it. We had missed our ebb current opportunity to leave easily, but we lifted anchor anyway and took a shot at it.
Valerie is a lovely experienced sailor, but it takes time to learn any new boat. I did not really have time to train her on WildChild’s anchoring procedure, so I did it solo, with her watching to learn. I had a sential anchor down to help hold WildChild still the last several days, to prevent dragging in the soft mud and strong switching currents. We held fast.
I could not get the sentinel anchor to lift out of the muddy bottom, it perplexed me. Why is nothing ever easy in my life. What is going on now. As I always do, I think my way thru the problem and find a solution. Not being sure why the bruce sentinel anchor would not pivot out of the mud, I knew of a few tricks to help this process. I haul the anchor chain as tight, and as vertical as I can, and cleat it off. Go to the engine, and use the power of the engine and the weight of the boat to pry that sucker loose.
I can tell we are drifting onto the main anchor now, sentinel off the bottom, but it is sooo heavy to lift..! I am puzzled as the rusty windlass and I struggle to get the anchor up. As she comes to the surface I notice like… the wooden sideboards of a sunken ship have also come up with her…! The waterlogged wood planks are enormously heavy to lift and take a lot of effort to free from the claws of my bruce.
This is sailing, wild random unpredictable things happen all the time. The good news is, WildChild was not going to drag no matter what the weather brought.
Escaping Charleston
It is a long 6 mile slog to escape Charleston Harbour, especially against the ever increasing current and against the 15 knots of wind coming in from the east. WildChild now had a good working engine, but she is not a strong engine, with her tiny two blade folding prop, she does not motor anywhere quickly.
You all know me, the sailing purist, yep we sailed directly upwind tacking every 5 minutes in the narrow river. Valerie did wonderful, her sailing experience shined thru and having her to do the lines in the center cockpit, the tacking was easy and fun. We had fun sailing upriver, beginning to figure out how to work together as a team.
As we approached the narrower, more confined, final channel exit, the current against us had increased to maximum, the winds on the bow precluding sailing out. I swallow my pride, and turn the engine on, put the genny away, but keep the main up. Only 2 miles left to go. After 30 minutes, we both realize, we are motoring still, not actually making forward progress. I have to make calculations and a decision.
What is the RIGHT thing to do now? What is the Logical decision..? My stubborn conqueror spirit hates to ever accept defeat, we are so close, once we get clear of the long 2 miles breakwalls we can bear off and sail again. There will be storms coming later and I would rather face them in deeper water further offshore.
But there is no point motoring for hours at a stand still. I make the call, we are going to fall off, motor 200 meters southover to fort Sumpter, and just anchor for a few hours, rest, and wait for the next current window to exit.
When the evening heat storms did arrive, they were impressive. Like rather horrible. I was down below trying to have a nap, to delay my night time seizures until after we would escape to open waters around 1am. Valerie was up on deck watching the approaching storms with concern. As the storms approached Valerie alerted me and I got up to check.
Searching the weather apps, the data said this storm was not there, only the doppler radar and satellite images showed anything at all. Watching it though, in person, approaching, it was gonna be a nasty one. In an abundance of caution I decided to let out more chain and get WildChild to a 7 to 1 scope with 150 feet of chain out in 18 feet of water, no sentinel.
When the storm hit, it was a bad scene fast. The winds kept escalating, 30 knots, 40 knots, 50 knots… ahhh… ummm….. this is bad shit. I realize we are about to be in trouble fast as the winds switch around 160 degrees and pull us backwards over the set anchor. I set anchor drag alarms, and turn on instruments, and get the backup chartplotter plotting our position, the second we drag, I wanna know about it.
Yep, saw this coming, within two minutes, sustained winds over 50 knots we begin dragging in a hurry towards the shallows behind us. I have the engine on, and I get her into gear quickly to relive the strain on the anchor. I got the dragging stopped on time, 100 feet before we hit bottom in about another 90 seconds.
You thought sailing was easy
After the storm abated, and at the appointed hour, when the current began to switch in our favour, I lifted the anchor, raised the main, and motored out for deeper waters in the dark.
The epic 200 mile adventure could begin
Disability
I seldom think of myself as disabled or having a disability. Mostly I am fine for about 16-18 hours a day. At night, when the seizures begin to come for me as my body gets tired, I just go to bed, sleep it off and avoid the suffering. All my crew know, LEXI MUST SLEEP BETWEEN 12-4AM…! It is not a maybe question… or if it pleases me… or if possible… or if it is convenient. These seizures will come for me EVERY night no matter what. This has been true for me since I was about 14 years old.
When I was around 14 I got lymes disease thanks to an American biowarfare lab in Maryland that created it and lost control of it in the 1980’s. It has since spread all over the world. Lymes disease basically eats your nervous system and causes permanent biological damage to your nervous system. Every person who gets it is affected differently depending on what part of their nervous system gets attacked. Although there are many common symptoms, of which I had all the classic ones, the symptoms can vary so much person to person.
For me, the Lymes disease ate my central nervous system, damaged my Vaso Vagal nerve, the main link between the brain and body. My seizures are not epilepsy they are damage to my CNS cold shiver reflex system. Imagine the feeling when you touch a 9volt battery to your tongue. Every night my brain begins to feel like this as the electrical energy begins to spill out all over the place. It hurts, my body develops a severe ache, my brain hurts, and I get such a headache.
My heart condition is not actually anything wrong with my heart itself, which is as strong as an athletes. The Cardiologist diagnosed me with VASOVAGAL SYNCOPE… which essentially means my brain does not regulate my heart rate or blood pressure properly. Often my resting heart rate gets down into the 50’s and then when I stand takes 20-300 seconds to pick up, thus low blood pressure to the brain, thus down I go. Also when I start physically exerting myself, get my heart rate jacked up, it can suddenly just release and fall down low when my body needs the blood flow to run my straining muscles, and down I go again.
It’s true, I do pass out a lot, and have been doing it since I was 14 years old. The nighttime seizures and random daily twitching and fainting have been happening to me for so long I just accept them as normal, adapt and overcome. My cardiologist, upon delivering the news, literally said, “… learn to bend your knees…” in response to the question what do I do about this?
So I do
When I feel myself get lightheaded I just put myself down, usually. When I feel the seizures beginning to overwhelm me at night I go to bed as soon as I am tired. It is a little bit like a Cinderella syndrome… I can have a lovely day… but at midnight… everything falls apart. No matter what… my day ends when I get tired at night, brain begins to shut down forcibly and in a spectacular way.
***
On the first night of this passage, my crew already being warned of my disability well in advance, knows she will HAVE TO take the helm from about midnight to about 4am. Captain Lexi MUST sleep.
Once I finally get WildChild out of the Charleston channel into open ocean, and the winds come around, and everything is set, I call Valerie up to take the helm. I give her guidance and instructions and I go to sleep at her feet right there in the cockpit. Wake me if you need anything or if in doubt and I will try to come out of the seizure fog to help. The night goes fine.
The entire next day sailing is splendid, goes just beautifully. The ocean can be so peaceful, so lovely, so magical.
Tornado in the Dark
Watch the video first
On the second night of the passage the sailing is still going very well, very calm ocean, waves under a meter, winds steady at 13-18 knots from the SSE. Perfect and steady sailing conditions all day. The sunsets and I have my crew down below in her bunk sleeping to get ready for her upcoming night shift. I always reduce sail area at night for safety and in an abundance of caution, I slow down to be safer. I am sitting at the helm for the last 12 hours and everything is going fine.
I begin to notice severe lightning coming off the land behind me, a severe storm headed from land out to sea south of me. I start paying attention. It seems to be another heat generated storm forming, same as yesterday. I know how dangerous this situation is developing into quickly. I am careful, I keep getting up and checking everything. When I stick my head out and check the skies directly above me, they are clear, the skies in front of me are clear. I am moving into clear weather.
The storm seems to be moving east and staying well south of us. As we are moving northbound it is evident the storm will pass 3-5 miles behind us. We are making good speed north, and in an hour we will be another 6 miles even further north of it before it gets fully out to sea well behind us. I conclude, that although this storm is horrifying looking, we should pass well north of it, no actual danger to us.
I film a little bit for the YouTube video that will come later. Eventually I sit back down and keep watching TV on my tablet. It is around 11:30pm at night, conditions are perfect, I am starting to get tired, I am thinking I can do another half and hour or so at the helm then I will wake up my crew to take over for me. My headache has started but is not too bad yet, my body beginning to ache, my heart rate falling, I can do a little longer at the helm then I MUST SLEEP soon…!
The world around me, outside the cockpit is pitch black, nothing to see at all, no horizon, only the lightning flashing in the distance well behind us. The wind is a steady 16 knots behind starboard tac broadreach. Single reef on the main, genny already reduced to 70% for caution. The main is prevented on the port side to prevent it from swinging back and forth in the rolly ocean waves.
Everything is going great
Suddenly I hear like a bang..!
The boat lurches over starboard rail in the water
Most sailors know the sound of the sails back winding. It is usually like a whuuump sound with a snap to it at the end. My sails have backwinded so suddenly, so fast, that they snapped so hard it sounded more like a BANG…! Such a horrible snap to the sound, a sound I will never forget. This followed by like a freight train sound, a sudden wind so strong it roars out of the darkness and fills my senses. No sudden drop in air temperature associated with line fronts.
I am standing immediately at the helm, hands on the wheel, to try to figure out what is happening. Time slows down, everything moving in slow motion. The alarms begin going off, the yacht suddenly out of control, autopilot cannot hold course or steer at all.
My feet are bracing down against the starboard side of the cockpit, which now suddenly has water rushing past it and pouring into it. The port side of the boat is now up facing the sky. My whole world is suddenly on its side. I am trying to figure out what is happening in the dark, what is this sudden strange experience unfolding around me. My brain struggling to comprehend.
The wind vane, wind direction instrument, says the wind is swirling all around rapidly 360 degrees fast…? This makes no sense, I cannot figure out which way to steer to get the wind behind the boat. Later I figured out, that because the mast was going horizontal, sideways to the wind, the wind was pouring along the axis of the mast, hitting the wind vane from the bottom, and spinning it like a top.
My brain is struggling to comprehend what is happening, a tornado the furthest thing from my thoughts. Tornadoes in total darkness do not announce themselves with a warning label or a tornado siren like some dirt dwellers imagine. I did not see a tornado to know it was a tornado. I saw only water rushing into the cockpit on the starboard side, I heard only roaring filling my senses.
I am trying to bear off, turning the wheel to starboard hard over, but there is no response from the rudder. It feels like the boat is trying to round up to port and I think okay, I have been on this ride before, experienced sailors have been rounded up before. In a few second she will pop back up and there will be a few seconds of stillness where I can dump the genny.
Except…. this does not happen
What my brain is struggling to comprehend, is why is the boat moving SIDEWAYS..! Like the right side of the boat is down in the water, and moving sideways scooping water like a bowl. How could the boat be moving sideways… AND…. I feel in my head… that I am rotating to the left…? ? ? ? The compass showing me this too.
The sensory experience makes no sense. Although I am pumped with adrenaline and on high alert, I am a very experienced sailor and I am trying to think thru the problem. It just makes no sense.
I cannot steer, I have no control over the boat, I am a helpless passenger for these slow motion seconds… I need to dump the genny, release the preventer, once this event passes, but right now, I am tethered in to the helm and cannot do anything.
I just have faith, she will round up and I can dump the sails. We have been thru this before.
EXCEPT… she does not round up…! She stays on her side for a full 180 degrees until suddenly THE MAST BREAKS…! There is such a horrible sound, a nightmare sound, as I watch in sudden terror, as everything begins to rip apart. Everything falling down around me. I know immediately…
THIS IS BAD…!
WE ARE IN TROUBLE NOW…!
I know I have been warning future sailors for years about the 10 bad seconds that can hit any of us at any time, there but by the grace of God go I. We all know that 10 bad seconds can befall any of us at anytime. This was about 30-40 bad seconds… then everything went calm again… just like that.
My brain still does not think or know this was a tornado striking me in the dark. I only know this is bad shit and I gotta save and protect my crew.
The video shows you most of what happened next
What you cannot see in the video… is that I am past my sunset time. My body begins having seizures about half an hour later. I pass out about 20 times off camera as I am fighting my physiology. I am having seizures of ever increasing frequency. My chest begins to feel heavy like I am having a heart attack. It takes over an hour and a half for the coast guard to get there, they arrive around 1:30am… my seizures began around midnight, as they always do.
You cannot see in the video how shitty I physically feel while I am removing the mast from my broken yacht in the dark in the middle of the ocean. What many of you seem to miss… is that I am the epitome of GRACE UNDER PRESSURE… What you are seeing in the video is an amazing powerful woman under extreme stress handling herself far better than most of you ever could.
As my former co-worker Gary, from Canada, recently said… “… Lexi I told the boys at the shop about what happened to you… and told them Lexi has bigger balls than all of us combined..!” He has known me for years.
I hit the EPIRB SOS button
I do NOT lack the courage to
make difficult decisions fast
Retrospect
This is complicated for me, I allowed commenting on the last video, which has allowed the trolls into my world to attack, to kick me when I am down. You have not seen most of it as I delete and remove all of them. Many of the trolls emailed me directly to attack. My critics, the armchair Captains who think they know everything and feel entitled to force their stupidity down my throat. I cannot help but notice everyone of them has a penis, not a single troll is a member of the vagina clan.
I am not sure why men feel entitled to judge attack and criticize others from the safety of the sidelines? Why they feel compelled to offer unsolicited advice and reproach. Why do men feel so perfect and superior they need to attack judge and criticize me, the girl?
Let me start with… to even have an opinion on this whole event that you are allowed to share with me… that I will listen to….
- You must have been a Captain of your own sailboat for years
- You must have sailed a minimum of 5000 ocean miles
- You must have solo sailed a minimum of 500 hundred ocean miles
- You must be competent with tools able to fix things yourself
- You must have experience taking real world chances with everything
Everyone else has no idea what they are talking about
no credibility with me
So Fuck OFF..!
Lexi… why did you abandon the boat?
You made the wrong decision…! You coulda/shoulda saved what was left of the vessel. You coulda/shoulda done this or that… the clear lense of hindsight and the lack of wisdom men exercise.
If you are interested in this horrible tangent you can CLICK HERE to link to the page where I address the trolls and critics more directly.
The death of WildChild is finished now
The Death of Captain Lexi
The next day began my new homeless life on land began. I can say I was mystified by the pantheon of angels that came out to carry me. People put me up in a local hotel room for a bit. Friends gathered and stepped in to help and carry me, even complete strangers showed such kindness it helped restore my faith in humanity, it was amazing.
My sailor friend Jeremy, who sails in the Pacific Northwest invited me to come crew for him for a while, offering food and shelter until I can get back on my feet. Sailor friend Sher offered me a plane ticket to get here. I am now crewing in the Pacific ocean for a while, neptune seems difficult to escape.
My last week has been rather interesting as well. I can say that when the greyhound bus did not bother showing up, and left a bunch of passengers stranded outside the dirty bus depot, it was a rough spot for me. I hit a new personal low hiking my skirt in the alley behind the bus station and squeezing between the garbage bins to pee on a wall while homeless men watched me.
The suicidal truly crazy man who came up to me begging for cigarettes, then told me he was suicidal and wanted to kill everyone. That was interesting stuff, homeless in America, but these stories are now all private as I retreat back into a private life out of the spotlight.
I never wanted to be a sailing Captain on the ocean, a job I never applied for or wanted. A role I was never comfortable playing. The character of Captain Lexi, portrayed publicly gets to die now. I get to be just Lexi. I look forward to my new private life on land, so much safer than my sailing life was.
I will have many future adventures but will not open them up to the trolls and critics. It takes a lot of courage to be so publicly vulnerable, but I am done paying the price anymore. I intend to walk as far away from the ocean as I can. I will never even tell anyone I know anything about sailing. I will turn my back on the sea. I intend to never step foot on a sailboat again.
This entire website and all the YouTube videos are actually dedicated to girls everywhere, to show you that you too can be strong powerful and amazing. You can dream, you can go forth and conquer, and let no man ever hold you down.
Find your Girl Power
This series was also dedicated to the emotions and feeling of this cruising life thru one single perspective, mine. As a writer I was always careful to share the emotional richness of the feminine experience. This has been a remarkable window for old, emotionally cold, men to peer into the inner lives of women. Few men can understand such torrent of emotional life, girls mostly always understand feelings. I could not control or chose my audience though.
Intended primarily for friends, and girls as the intended audience, a remarkable number of men have followed along the journey too. Most men have been wonderful supportive encouraging understanding and kind, even when they could not understand the emotional content personally, lacking empathy.
Next I will need to write the last book of this female adventure series and get it published so I can move on to other things. The last two years of my sailing adventure have led to The Rise of Captain Lexi… and the book is soon to follow. I am a very changed human being by these intense, difficult and not boring experiences I have had.
I am a stronger wiser person now
Hugs love and kindness to everyone from far away…
Just Lexi
the dirt dweller again…